patronus

i visited my old house today. i think it was the only place i called home with all my heart but maybe that was because that's all i knew back then. i forced my tears back as i found the hole in the backyard wall, i had found a lizard's egg in there once and had been excited for an entire week,  i could still trace out the cracks on the footpath outside the gate because i cycled on it for years trying to keep the wheel on the line. the orange tree that baba planted is now almost 10ft tall and the other tree that our old gardner planted is now double the size.  the new residents are not taking care of the lawn very well, the lokaat tree is uprooted and there are no flowering plants. there is a small bench where we had our dhaniya and podina leaves  the sky was too pretty today and a strong wind blew as i entered the gate, almost like i was in the middle of a movie the neighbor's gate which was our makeshift swing is now gone but the flowers i used as veggies in pretend play...

22 years old m prayed her Friday zuhr namaz in a golf club with her jacket as the jayenamaz next to her shia friend and Maghreb in a university parking lot on a prayer mat borrowed from a male friend i am sure the 15-year-old confused m is proud of her for figuring out what religious tolerance is  and finally knowing that you don't always have to take sides.

damp roads after autumn rains and the memories of everything calm. the thought of getting older. the night i broke your heart. i don't regret it but i think of you every time my heart hurts. adat instrumental plays in the background rn. how do you feel about adult life?  -------------------------------- i am trying to wear eyeliner even on days when my eyebrows are not done and wear extra rings even when my hands are not waxed. its difficult, i haven't been able to convince myself but i am trying to love my body even on days when it doesn't really fulfill society's beauty standards. ----------------------------------------- when you have lived in more than one place, be it a sleepover at a friend's or someone's heart or an actual non-metaphorical house made of concrete walls, you will always long for more. sometimes it will be the people you love, other times it will be material things, the peace and the quiet. ---------------------------------------------------...

tonight I'd like to step out of my body. place it gently on a couch and cover it with a soft blanket. then id like to sit on a rock by the sea. with ' dancing with your ghost' playing in the background, i'll write you a letter. i will finally feel free of the consequences of my hasty decisions I stay up all night Tell myself I'm alright Baby, you're just harder to see than most i will start by telling you that i meant every word i said, i said it because i felt it in the moment. I will once again compliment the shade of your skin before realizing i am doing it again. Every night I'm dancing with your ghost Every night I'm dancing with your ghost i will finally tell you that i am choking on all the love i have for you and that i want to be free again.  i will write about how i want to have fewer things to worry about, a tear or two will drop and smudge some ink   on the paper Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try I...

Ever since I met you, I walk with my heart in one hand and an ancient dagger in the other.  Blood dripping off, leaving marks, they'd be tough to wash faint rusty stains will linger forever if not crimson and the brown tint will also float amidst the hazel sea --------------------- I don't recognize the figure that stares back at me in the mirror anymore so many lies  lies and lies --------------------- I drew my old home today tried to transfer everything on paper  because I am forgetting the details  details of the only building I called home with all my heart  the heart that I carry in my hand now with blood dripping  I think some of the details dripped there as I made room for the details of your existence  I couldn't remember how long the window from the dining room to the courtyard was and which shelf were the books on  was it the middle one or the last one I think there was a vase with pink flowers in the middle one like the flowers growing...

 i am going down the same path that i swore not to go on the moon looked pretty today don't forget to call them complain only to Him focus focus focus focus focus focus focus focus one day at a time i owe it to myself the khussa matches perfectly with the dress green curtains  long way to go loads and loads and tons and tons of belief  will your absence hurt more than your presence? i don't have a purple scarf there are more meds in the box on the dining table now her smirks hurt more now his hair is weird when will karma hit her will i make it where is home why did I switch to questions from statements

the only way to get your love is to not love you at all.  who owns the windows in the corridors of inns and hostels? who stands by them feeling at home, comfortable, and warm? and who takes the responsibility of opening them when cool wind blows and shutting them when it rains. you see? no one.  I can't love you while I stay in an inn and while my search for a home is all that keeps me up at night. we are back in the middle ages, I am traveling by foot, and my horse is stolen. I've escaped pirates and survived wars and there is peace nowhere. we need an industrial revolution and a mini-renaissance to be united.  It's an ancient dystopia. The fruits are poisoned and the enemy is at the door. the pens are spies, I cant send you letters anymore. Your eyes won't see words written by my hands, and your arms won't be able to hold me anymore. it's a long way to go, never-ending, like the number line in mathematics.

Bridgerton season 2 drops tomorrow and I miss you a little more today. I teared up when you told me about the new addition to the family. I remember the day you mentioned he was coming and it made me so happy, you trusted me with this little secret of your family. I can't believe we've come so far that I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't asked. You were always the kinder one, noticing the ants on the footpath and changing your way so that they won't be crushed under our dirty boots. you knew where to find the gloomy and annoying friend on his worst days.  You would always look beyond people's flaws, always ready to give a second chance. I hated you for not prioritizing yourself, for being friends with people who were clearly bad for you. I miss you and your habit of trying new drinks every day. I don't think I can ever let go of the safety of buying milo and guava flavors every day. I don't think I can move on from the safety of old friends easily...

stay.  sit with me let me love you wholeheartedly today, under the sky with the 22nd moon. let me tell u how i'm renaming things, changing meanings My hands smell of garlic, green chilies, and my moisturizer. funny how artificial soups and handwash liquids cant overpower the natural fragrances.  Let's sit on the terrace today or maybe on the couch and keep the windows open. ill tell you about the new eye pencil i used today. it's so bad it smudged under my eyes by the time i came back home, making me look more tired than i already was. I'll make u chaye and make some green tea for myself. I'll wear my favorite socks yes i know it's hot for socks now but i dont care i hope u don't as well. "have you ever been to the beach?" "yes but not the one at home. wo shehr nahi pasand" tell me about your day. how was the traffic and the new restaurant you tried? do you like when your pillow smells like your shampoo or is it too familiar now? were the...

106 days now  its one of those days  i undress take off everything that keeps me going everything that helps me mask my self-esteem-shawl my confidence-cardigan my chirpy-socks smiling moisturizer coat of lies  warm lip balm . . . i take to all off one by one slowly I sit on the floor carpeted no i'll sit on the marbled floor i'll on footprints today as I suffer from decade-old faded footprints of others  no its not suffering  it is what the reality is  don't try and make it look like an exception! it's normal everything is normal i'll let the heater burn me  simultaneously  as the cold floor takes away all my warmth you cannot love me back to life the tiny door-to-life in the kitchen also vanished today I am so cold ill be dead any minute only if this damned heart stops beating  the clothes wont be hung  to be used later but  they'll be thrown in trash ill melt into nothingness today we don't  talk about it  but its there...

There are days when I progress 10 times more as a person than on a normal day. but what's a day normal day anyway. Its 5:34 am and I woke up from my alarm for the third time in my entire life. no, I am not exaggerating.  so today is a special day. Khair yesterday was the kind of day when you progress 10 times a day. When you make decisions or stay at places that are going to impact the upcoming days of your life, affect the way you think through, or might as well define you as a person. Days when holding onto your values is a more conscious process than a passive background business. Yesterday was that sorta day. not normal, not special just conscious. Some days I want to ghost my friends. all of them even the old ones, the ones I've taken my time to trust, and my go-to people for every problem. All of them. Because I feel like I am too much to handle or maybe I have given too much of myself to them and now I need to stay away from them for at least a week to sorta neutralize t...

  I always looked down on people who self-harmed. I couldn't help it but then I realized that I self-harm too. The only difference is that what they do is physical and what I do is psychological and emotional. I do stupid things when I'm hurt. Real-time stupid shit with consequence, things I'll have to face and regret later, like aftershocks of an earthquake or more like knocking on doors that should be left untouched. Detaching and degrading myself into the abyss of darkness until I can't see anything at all. Until I'm so tired that I can't do anything but sleep. A disturbing and exhausting sleep. I self harm too, you see. And you know what, the next time you hate someone or something, know that you will face them soon, either through the mirror or through your eyes. Life always has a way of proving us wrong. It's embarrassing because it's so repetitive.

 There are days when asked: what life is, I'd say it's the moments between the bigger and the important moments. Ok, I'll explain. So it's when you stand by the kitchen door waiting for the rolls to be crispy brown. It's not you eating them with chili garlic sauce, it's you waiting for them to be fried. Makes sense? It's the day your niece starts reading Harry Potter from your copy of Philosopher's Stone. It's the lazier days when you eat the leftover papaya with Ammii, just when it's about to rain. It's listening to Anuv Jain while walking around the campus in December. It's not the destination, it's the rasta you see. Days, when you'd describe life referencing some couplets by Faiz and Faraz. But "Some days are just fillers" You know how we always rush to the rooftops on days when the sky is in pretty colors or when the weather is so good but I was thinking what about the days that are so mundane that they sort of take...

 I traveled for years only to end up in this desert. Thirsty, cruel, uncertain, constantly shifting dunes. There is scorching heat, my insights are displaced, my entire existence disheveled. I try to walk or at least crawl but the sand keeps shifting, even after hours of labor I am where I landed. I struggle and shout on top of my voice to find someone who'd listen but there is nobody with the kind of ears and brains that could receive and interpret the voice that my cords are capable of producing. We are wrong. We are wrong. We can't exist together.  A truck passes by, adorned with art, some poetry about a rude and indifferent beloved, a couplet about the home that's far away. This reminds me my home is lost. So I give up on the effort of walking and start looking for my home instead. I can surprisingly walk now that I have given up on it, the sand is letting me walk but I can't find my home now. I don't even remember how it looks like which makes it almost impossi...

Books. October. Moon. socks. Prayer mats. Pasta. Mountains. Fairy meadows. Rain. Poetry. Purple. Winter evenings. Comfortable shoes. Songs with relatable lyrics. Jhumkay. Androon Lahore. Stars. Twilight. Sunsets. Beaches. Libraries. Kindness. Swings. Bachpan. Hot chocolate. Shams. Poems. Grey. Eid. Fairy lights. Silence. Orange juice. Grandparents. Plants. More books. Early Mornings. Surah Noor Ayat 32. Cooking. Orange skies. Faiz. Wooden doors. Strawberry and Banana shakes. Yellow. Art. Sukoon.  Summers. Closures. Hand Bruises. Bad Footwear. Paper cuts. Financial instability. Nausea. Controlling People. Commitments. Snapchat. Untidy kitchens. Helplessness.  Taurus. July. Channy ki daal. Virgos. Politics. Mysoginy. Expectations. Karaily. No socks. Mangoes. Gatherings. A lot of people. People. Other People. Jealousy. Anxiety. Autism. No windows. Mansehra. Missing Prayers. Waking up late. Ironing clothes. Big busy cities. Privilege. Heartbreak. Life. My life. 

POV: you go for eid shopping but end up spending the amount equal to a limelight shirt on an Emily Bronte classic. You come back home after a very exhausting day, not like a 9am to 5pm uni exhausting day but a real-life exhausting day. You change into comfy clothes. It's raining. Ammi makes pakory which are terribly spicy, so much so that abba has to eat them with yogurt but you eat them without yogurt anyway to make sure amma doesn't feel bad You remove the nail paint from your toes and sit cross-legged on the sofa to narrate the entire day's story to amma before writing some of it in a blog.  Life is good. 

 You know when you're travelling and you have to look for hotels at the end of the day or whenever you travel to a new city in case you're out for more than a couple of days or weeks and no matter how comfortable the room is or how pretty the view is, you still miss your home. Home. Feel this word, its aroma and warmth, no matter how exhausting it gets, its still your home, a place you're sure about, a place you can go back to no matter what. home. a place you know will always be there for you.  I always thought it to be very cliché when people made homes out of other people.  "this person is my home" nausea.  "my home is that person" nausea. But today, on a motorway between two unknown cities, i needed a person i could call my home, the thought was preceded by anger at first then some nausea of course, my go to emotion at things that are cliché, some sad hollow feeling and finally some heartache. So I ran through the list of the people who could qualify...

When I was in the middle of the semester, drowning in work, I used to think that I will write daily when the semester will end. lol. Today I realized that I almost always come here either to rant or vent, which is obviously not bad but we can try and change the narrative right? A friend called today when I was about to make Rotis for the dinner. I put her up on the speaker and went to the kitchen. I turned on my camera to show her how the noodles packet is getting smaller day by day and then we didn't turn off our cameras until I settled the table for dinner. I got off the phone and later thought about I was to have friends that I don't have to pretend in front of. I don't have to pay heed to how I am looking, what I am wearing, or if the kitchen is messed up. a blessing indeed, to have real people around you!

I went to your second home on the last day of June. I don't know why I am referring to that place as your second home but I think thats how humans are, we tend to make everything dramatic and slightly sad or maybe I am like this. khair. It is so pretty, so peaceful I can't even begin to explain. You know I always thought my city was the most peaceful place to live but that's where I want to live ab bas. So I figured out a few things there. I have completely gotten over you because that place, those roads, and trees didn't remind me of you, although I have always associated that vicinity with you but today I feel like I superimposed some new goals and some new memories on those old associations.  I overheard two ladies at the cafe (I didn't mean to, I was just passing by with my order, they had self-service there, makes sense right?) so I heard them talk about male to female officers ratio and stuff and I saw people running for a better version and better future for ...

I know I have mild commitment and trust issues and honestly, I have always looked at them as my shield but today I realized that I cant survive in the vicinity of controlling people as well and believe me so many things started to make sense. My suffering relationship with some of my family members and a few friends despite the constant effort by the two of us. I realized it was because they were controlling. Unconsciously, they want me to be the way they want good people to be, their standards of what is right as if I sort of belong to them. I understand that when you are close to someone, they have the right to tell you what's right and what's wrong but they don't get to blame you if you decide not to take their advice or do things that look right to you only.  I was constantly looking for the fault in myself, trying to be more and more accepting of the differences I had with those people in an attempt to save those relationships and it was making things worse. You know ...