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october kahani

There are days when I progress 10 times more as a person than on a normal day. but what's a day normal day anyway.

Its 5:34 am and I woke up from my alarm for the third time in my entire life. no, I am not exaggerating.  so today is a special day.

Khair yesterday was the kind of day when you progress 10 times a day. When you make decisions or stay at places that are going to impact the upcoming days of your life, affect the way you think through, or might as well define you as a person. Days when holding onto your values is a more conscious process than a passive background business. Yesterday was that sorta day. not normal, not special just conscious.

Some days I want to ghost my friends. all of them even the old ones, the ones I've taken my time to trust, and my go-to people for every problem. All of them. Because I feel like I am too much to handle or maybe I have given too much of myself to them and now I need to stay away from them for at least a week to sorta neutralize the situation and undo the damage, the damage of being too much. I am embarrassed, my brain is constantly telling me that I am clingy and I need to push people away. Now, you see, at the back of my mind I know that there are people in my life who love being around me but I just can't convince the rest of my consciousness about this. The other voice is so loud it shuns my own voice. Sunday was that kinda day. But I texted a friend that day and kept replying with Instagram snaps until I could and asked this other friend if she'd want to hang out with me and when I asked her she gave these expressions that 'bro we literally hangout rozana?' and I told her my mind said I am too much today. I fought 'the voice' this Sunday so this Sunday is special too.



I remember reading somewhere that 'a fresh love is a gift.' I still don't understand it completely but I think I agreed with it this Monday.  There is a lot of vulnerability, it's nostalgic but it's beautiful. You do feel stupid standing at the start of a loop again but I am convinced it's not that bad.

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