Skip to main content

carnival


106 days now 
its one of those days 
i undress
take off everything that keeps me going
everything that
helps me mask

my self-esteem-shawl
my confidence-cardigan
my chirpy-socks
smiling moisturizer
coat of lies 
warm lip balm
.
.
.
i take to all off
one by one
slowly
I sit on the floor
carpeted
no
i'll sit on the marbled floor
i'll on footprints today
as I suffer from decade-old faded footprints of others 
no its not suffering 
it is what the reality is 
don't try and make it look like an exception!
it's normal
everything is normal

i'll let the heater burn me 
simultaneously 
as the cold floor takes away all my warmth
you cannot love me back to life
the tiny door-to-life in the kitchen
also vanished today
I am so cold ill be dead any minute
only if this damned heart
stops beating 

the clothes wont be hung 
to be used later
but 
they'll be thrown in trash
ill melt into nothingness today



we don't 
talk about it 
but its there
always
it eats with us 
and 
sleeps with us
wakes before us
and haunts us
everywhere
in banks 
and markets 
parks 
and restaurants 
somedays 
people throw it 
right on our faces
so we are forced 
to talk about it 
and then we all suffer
calling it normal


there is a way out
please don't think i am
pessimistic 
I'm not 
there is a way
but the way is for
fighters only
and 
i know
none of us 
is a fighter


ill push everyone away
but you
and i worry for you
so much
because
i know
if u let me hold on to you
it might
suffocate you as well.


Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

morning

tonight I'd like to step out of my body. place it gently on a couch and cover it with a soft blanket. then id like to sit on a rock by the sea. with ' dancing with your ghost' playing in the background, i'll write you a letter. i will finally feel free of the consequences of my hasty decisions I stay up all night Tell myself I'm alright Baby, you're just harder to see than most i will start by telling you that i meant every word i said, i said it because i felt it in the moment. I will once again compliment the shade of your skin before realizing i am doing it again. Every night I'm dancing with your ghost Every night I'm dancing with your ghost i will finally tell you that i am choking on all the love i have for you and that i want to be free again.  i will write about how i want to have fewer things to worry about, a tear or two will drop and smudge some ink   on the paper Never got the chance To say a last goodbye I gotta move on But it hurts to try I...
Post a Comment
Read more

all the unfinished pieces from last few months!

damp roads after autumn rains and the memories of everything calm. the thought of getting older. the night i broke your heart. i don't regret it but i think of you every time my heart hurts. adat instrumental plays in the background rn. how do you feel about adult life?  -------------------------------- i am trying to wear eyeliner even on days when my eyebrows are not done and wear extra rings even when my hands are not waxed. its difficult, i haven't been able to convince myself but i am trying to love my body even on days when it doesn't really fulfill society's beauty standards. ----------------------------------------- when you have lived in more than one place, be it a sleepover at a friend's or someone's heart or an actual non-metaphorical house made of concrete walls, you will always long for more. sometimes it will be the people you love, other times it will be material things, the peace and the quiet. ---------------------------------------------------...
Post a Comment
Read more

2007

i visited my old house today. i think it was the only place i called home with all my heart but maybe that was because that's all i knew back then. i forced my tears back as i found the hole in the backyard wall, i had found a lizard's egg in there once and had been excited for an entire week,  i could still trace out the cracks on the footpath outside the gate because i cycled on it for years trying to keep the wheel on the line. the orange tree that baba planted is now almost 10ft tall and the other tree that our old gardner planted is now double the size.  the new residents are not taking care of the lawn very well, the lokaat tree is uprooted and there are no flowering plants. there is a small bench where we had our dhaniya and podina leaves  the sky was too pretty today and a strong wind blew as i entered the gate, almost like i was in the middle of a movie the neighbor's gate which was our makeshift swing is now gone but the flowers i used as veggies in pretend play...
Post a Comment
Read more