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carnival


106 days now 
its one of those days 
i undress
take off everything that keeps me going
everything that
helps me mask

my self-esteem-shawl
my confidence-cardigan
my chirpy-socks
smiling moisturizer
coat of lies 
warm lip balm
.
.
.
i take to all off
one by one
slowly
I sit on the floor
carpeted
no
i'll sit on the marbled floor
i'll on footprints today
as I suffer from decade-old faded footprints of others 
no its not suffering 
it is what the reality is 
don't try and make it look like an exception!
it's normal
everything is normal

i'll let the heater burn me 
simultaneously 
as the cold floor takes away all my warmth
you cannot love me back to life
the tiny door-to-life in the kitchen
also vanished today
I am so cold ill be dead any minute
only if this damned heart
stops beating 

the clothes wont be hung 
to be used later
but 
they'll be thrown in trash
ill melt into nothingness today



we don't 
talk about it 
but its there
always
it eats with us 
and 
sleeps with us
wakes before us
and haunts us
everywhere
in banks 
and markets 
parks 
and restaurants 
somedays 
people throw it 
right on our faces
so we are forced 
to talk about it 
and then we all suffer
calling it normal


there is a way out
please don't think i am
pessimistic 
I'm not 
there is a way
but the way is for
fighters only
and 
i know
none of us 
is a fighter


ill push everyone away
but you
and i worry for you
so much
because
i know
if u let me hold on to you
it might
suffocate you as well.


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