carnival

106 days now 

its one of those days 

i undress

take off everything that keeps me going

everything that

helps me mask

my self-esteem-shawl

my confidence-cardigan

my chirpy-socks

smiling moisturizer

coat of lies 

warm lip balm

.

.

.

i take to all off

one by one

slowly

I sit on the floor

carpeted

no

i'll sit on the marbled floor

i'll on footprints today

as I suffer from decade-old faded footprints of others 

no its not suffering 

it is what the reality is 

don't try and make it look like an exception!

it's normal

everything is normal

i'll let the heater burn me 

simultaneously 

as the cold floor takes away all my warmth

you cannot love me back to life

the tiny door-to-life in the kitchen

also vanished today

I am so cold ill be dead any minute

only if this damned heart

stops beating 

the clothes wont be hung 

to be used later

but 

they'll be thrown in trash

ill melt into nothingness today

we don't 

talk about it 

but its there

always

it eats with us 

and 

sleeps with us

wakes before us

and haunts us

everywhere

in banks 

and markets 

parks 

and restaurants 

somedays 

people throw it 

right on our faces

so we are forced 

to talk about it 

and then we all suffer

calling it normal

there is a way out

please don't think i am

pessimistic 

I'm not 

there is a way

but the way is for

fighters only

and 

i know

none of us 

is a fighter

ill push everyone away

but you

and i worry for you

so much

because

i know

if u let me hold on to you

it might

suffocate you as well.