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all the unfinished pieces from last few months!

damp roads after autumn rains and the memories of everything calm. the thought of getting older. the night i broke your heart. i don't regret it but i think of you every time my heart hurts. adat instrumental plays in the background rn. how do you feel about adult life? 

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i am trying to wear eyeliner even on days when my eyebrows are not done and wear extra rings even when my hands are not waxed. its difficult, i haven't been able to convince myself but i am trying to love my body even on days when it doesn't really fulfill society's beauty standards.

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when you have lived in more than one place, be it a sleepover at a friend's or someone's heart or an actual non-metaphorical house made of concrete walls, you will always long for more. sometimes it will be the people you love, other times it will be material things, the peace and the quiet.

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I made a friend in 8th grade, we went to the same college and used to talk for hours catching up on every tiny detail of our lives. we grew distant after uni started and I don't remember the last time I talked to her. 

you know how they say that different people bring out different versions of yourself, i think i miss the version of mine that she brought out, the m i was when i was around her, i miss that version more than i miss her.


i am proud of all the growth I've been through but this is not where i wanted to see myself at 22 its not bad ill be almost happy to make a compromise but i was fierce and so so strong back then. where did all that go? when did i become so weak, so fragile?

i am afraid to sit and spend time with myself alone because i dont think i can face myself, i am not at peace with myself, and its been a while

i am trying to accept that now so i can fix it finally

i leave unpublished drafts here because they are not 'good enough' i have forgotten why i made this place

so many people have the power to hurt me now, to disrupt my peace

so many to-do lists wasted, lost, and forgotten

so many ambitious nights dismissed after the sun came up

i will try harder this time, i promise <3 



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