all the unfinished pieces from last few months!

damp roads after autumn rains and the memories of everything calm. the thought of getting older. the night i broke your heart. i don't regret it but i think of you every time my heart hurts. adat instrumental plays in the background rn. how do you feel about adult life?

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i am trying to wear eyeliner even on days when my eyebrows are not done and wear extra rings even when my hands are not waxed. its difficult, i haven't been able to convince myself but i am trying to love my body even on days when it doesn't really fulfill society's beauty standards.

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when you have lived in more than one place, be it a sleepover at a friend's or someone's heart or an actual non-metaphorical house made of concrete walls, you will always long for more. sometimes it will be the people you love, other times it will be material things, the peace and the quiet.

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I made a friend in 8th grade, we went to the same college and used to talk for hours catching up on every tiny detail of our lives. we grew distant after uni started and I don't remember the last time I talked to her.

you know how they say that different people bring out different versions of yourself, i think i miss the version of mine that she brought out, the m i was when i was around her, i miss that version more than i miss her.

i am proud of all the growth I've been through but this is not where i wanted to see myself at 22 its not bad ill be almost happy to make a compromise but i was fierce and so so strong back then. where did all that go? when did i become so weak, so fragile?

i am afraid to sit and spend time with myself alone because i dont think i can face myself, i am not at peace with myself, and its been a while

i am trying to accept that now so i can fix it finally

i leave unpublished drafts here because they are not 'good enough' i have forgotten why i made this place

so many people have the power to hurt me now, to disrupt my peace

so many to-do lists wasted, lost, and forgotten

so many ambitious nights dismissed after the sun came up

i will try harder this time, i promise <3

Comments

2007

i visited my old house today. i think it was the only place i called home with all my heart but maybe that was because that's all i knew back then. i forced my tears back as i found the hole in the backyard wall, i had found a lizard's egg in there once and had been excited for an entire week, i could still trace out the cracks on the footpath outside the gate because i cycled on it for years trying to keep the wheel on the line. the orange tree that baba planted is now almost 10ft tall and the other tree that our old gardner planted is now double the size. the new residents are not taking care of the lawn very well, the lokaat tree is uprooted and there are no flowering plants. there is a small bench where we had our dhaniya and podina leaves the sky was too pretty today and a strong wind blew as i entered the gate, almost like i was in the middle of a movie the neighbor's gate which was our makeshift swing is now gone but the flowers i used as veggies in pretend play...

j u n e

Ever since I met you, I walk with my heart in one hand and an ancient dagger in the other. Blood dripping off, leaving marks, they'd be tough to wash faint rusty stains will linger forever if not crimson and the brown tint will also float amidst the hazel sea --------------------- I don't recognize the figure that stares back at me in the mirror anymore so many lies lies and lies --------------------- I drew my old home today tried to transfer everything on paper because I am forgetting the details details of the only building I called home with all my heart the heart that I carry in my hand now with blood dripping I think some of the details dripped there as I made room for the details of your existence I couldn't remember how long the window from the dining room to the courtyard was and which shelf were the books on was it the middle one or the last one I think there was a vase with pink flowers in the middle one like the flowers growing...

maze

stay. sit with me let me love you wholeheartedly today, under the sky with the 22nd moon. let me tell u how i'm renaming things, changing meanings My hands smell of garlic, green chilies, and my moisturizer. funny how artificial soups and handwash liquids cant overpower the natural fragrances. Let's sit on the terrace today or maybe on the couch and keep the windows open. ill tell you about the new eye pencil i used today. it's so bad it smudged under my eyes by the time i came back home, making me look more tired than i already was. I'll make u chaye and make some green tea for myself. I'll wear my favorite socks yes i know it's hot for socks now but i dont care i hope u don't as well. "have you ever been to the beach?" "yes but not the one at home. wo shehr nahi pasand" tell me about your day. how was the traffic and the new restaurant you tried? do you like when your pillow smells like your shampoo or is it too familiar now? were the...

patronus

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