patronus

I don't know how to love loudly. I have not been loved but quietly. Amma has never been expressive neither about love nor about her pain. She is the strongest woman I know but she's not expressive. Probably that's where I picked the link between strength and not opening up about your feelings. I might have learned to link vulnerability with weakness from her. She has her worries and heartbreaks to process. The world hasn't been fair to her. I don't think the world has ever been fair to anyone but I've watched her so closely that her pain looks more important than the world's which sounds a little selfish yes. I've grown seeing her smile while her loved ones betrayed her. I've grown seeing Abba being there for her so profoundly yet quietly. you see the quietness runs in the family. I witnessed all this while I was growing, developing. that's how it became a part of me. While my hands became bigger and fingers longer, my cacoon grew t...

Tie up your hair in a bun and start. Start working hard for what is yours. Earn it. You were meant to be this glorious mess. Work hard for what you want so that one day when you finally get it, you can proudly say that 'I skipped sleep for this. I skipped life for this. I missed so much for this and I freaking deserve it now' Be the queen you want to be. Carve out a path and start walking on it, run on it or even crawl but never stop. Own the path. Own the hurdles of the path as well. Screw the world. Go get it.

میں نے کہا کہ ٹھیک ہے ساری کی ساری غلطی میری لیکن اب آپ میری بات سنیں مجھے تھوڑا سا صبر اور حوصلہ دے دیں . مجھے اتنا مکمل اور مضبوط کر دیں کہ وہ میرے سامنے کھڑا ہو اور مجھے زرا فرق نہ پڑے . اتنی ہمت دے دیں کہ وہ اس کے ساتھ میرے سامنے کھڑا ہو اور میرے دِل کی دھڑکن پے زرا فرق نا پڑے . وہ اسکو دیکھ کر مسکرائے تو مجھے رونا نہ آئے . اتنا حوصلہ دیں کے اسکا وجود ختم نہ ہو بس نظر آنا بند ہو جائے . فرق پڑنا بند ہو جائے . میں نے کہا اتنا تو حق ہے میرا اتنا تو مانگ سکتی ہوں آپ سے . لوگ رات کے اِس پہر آپ سے شاید بڑی جائز چیزیں مانگ رہے ۔ ہوں گے لیکن اس کا یہ مطلب تو ںہیں کہ آپ میری بات نہ  سنیں . میں آپ سے اسکو ںہیں مانگ رہی . کبھی مانگا ںہیں  7 سالوں میں کبھی ںہیں مانگا . آپ نے دیا بھی ںہیں۔۔۔ خیر ۔میں آپ سے اسکو بھول جانا مانگ رہی ہوں . یہ تو مانگ سکتی ہوں نا؟ میں آپ سے  اپنے دِل کا خالی ہو جانا مانگ رہی ہوں . میں نے کہا میرے بات سن لیں اور پِھر آنسوں رک ہی ںہیں رہے تھے . ایسا جیسے پتہ ںہیں کونسا بند تھا جو سالوں بعد کھلا تھا .

There is something very intense and revealing about falling out of love. You not only rediscover yourself but the other person as well. You see your strengths, a lot of your abilities that were previously shaded by the presence of another person who you sometimes prioritized over yourself. You see their flaws that you were so blinded to look at before. Blinded by love, blinded by the fact that they’re perfect and blinded by the hope that they’ll improve. When you first, look at the sky or the moon after the heartbreak, it still reminds you of them but the tables turn slowly, the sky now gives you the strength and the hope that if you are capable of getting over the existence of an entire human being, you can do anything. The art you’ve created for that person doesn’t hurt anymore, you’re still proud of your creations and you should be proud of the reason too cause they made you learn so much and transformed you into a better and stronger version of yourself. “w...

It weighs heavy on my chest like a pile of bricks and a dark night around me. It keeps coming back like a boomerang hitting me harder than before, discrete yet stronger than the last time. It often drains me of all my energy. Robs me of all my determination to move on and submit. I am an amalgam of anguish and strength. I am twilight, the stir of lively evenings and sad sunsets. I’m autumn as well, a blend of bright summers and the approaching cold. I am all this but I am also myself, my vivid self, who stays put no matter what. and I sometimes think if all of this happened to add more colors to my emotional spectrum? to make me understand the coexistence of so many contradictions?

I sometimes think about the person who possessed the weapon which was the reason your heart stopped beating. Not for revenge or anything but I wonder about the capabilities of Sapiens. Your heart. Alive and warm. came to halt. Your blood stopped running in your veins. No more nerve impulses. No more love no more happiness. No more Sadness.  How can someone just stop existing? I don't think you can cease to exist just by the mere act of dying. You continue to exist in the hearts of your loved ones and when those hearts stop beating, you are passed onto another generation. The legacy continues. This is probably the reason you find connections with things and places you thought you were a complete stranger to.