patronus

the only way to get your love is to not love you at all.  who owns the windows in the corridors of inns and hostels? who stands by them feeling at home, comfortable, and warm? and who takes the responsibility of opening them when cool wind blows and shutting them when it rains. you see? no one.  I can't love you while I stay in an inn and while my search for a home is all that keeps me up at night. we are back in the middle ages, I am traveling by foot, and my horse is stolen. I've escaped pirates and survived wars and there is peace nowhere. we need an industrial revolution and a mini-renaissance to be united.  It's an ancient dystopia. The fruits are poisoned and the enemy is at the door. the pens are spies, I cant send you letters anymore. Your eyes won't see words written by my hands, and your arms won't be able to hold me anymore. it's a long way to go, never-ending, like the number line in mathematics.

Bridgerton season 2 drops tomorrow and I miss you a little more today. I teared up when you told me about the new addition to the family. I remember the day you mentioned he was coming and it made me so happy, you trusted me with this little secret of your family. I can't believe we've come so far that I wouldn't have known about it if I hadn't asked. You were always the kinder one, noticing the ants on the footpath and changing your way so that they won't be crushed under our dirty boots. you knew where to find the gloomy and annoying friend on his worst days.  You would always look beyond people's flaws, always ready to give a second chance. I hated you for not prioritizing yourself, for being friends with people who were clearly bad for you. I miss you and your habit of trying new drinks every day. I don't think I can ever let go of the safety of buying milo and guava flavors every day. I don't think I can move on from the safety of old friends easily...

stay.  sit with me let me love you wholeheartedly today, under the sky with the 22nd moon. let me tell u how i'm renaming things, changing meanings My hands smell of garlic, green chilies, and my moisturizer. funny how artificial soups and handwash liquids cant overpower the natural fragrances.  Let's sit on the terrace today or maybe on the couch and keep the windows open. ill tell you about the new eye pencil i used today. it's so bad it smudged under my eyes by the time i came back home, making me look more tired than i already was. I'll make u chaye and make some green tea for myself. I'll wear my favorite socks yes i know it's hot for socks now but i dont care i hope u don't as well. "have you ever been to the beach?" "yes but not the one at home. wo shehr nahi pasand" tell me about your day. how was the traffic and the new restaurant you tried? do you like when your pillow smells like your shampoo or is it too familiar now? were the...

106 days now  its one of those days  i undress take off everything that keeps me going everything that helps me mask my self-esteem-shawl my confidence-cardigan my chirpy-socks smiling moisturizer coat of lies  warm lip balm . . . i take to all off one by one slowly I sit on the floor carpeted no i'll sit on the marbled floor i'll on footprints today as I suffer from decade-old faded footprints of others  no its not suffering  it is what the reality is  don't try and make it look like an exception! it's normal everything is normal i'll let the heater burn me  simultaneously  as the cold floor takes away all my warmth you cannot love me back to life the tiny door-to-life in the kitchen also vanished today I am so cold ill be dead any minute only if this damned heart stops beating  the clothes wont be hung  to be used later but  they'll be thrown in trash ill melt into nothingness today we don't  talk about it  but its there...

There are days when I progress 10 times more as a person than on a normal day. but what's a day normal day anyway. Its 5:34 am and I woke up from my alarm for the third time in my entire life. no, I am not exaggerating.  so today is a special day. Khair yesterday was the kind of day when you progress 10 times a day. When you make decisions or stay at places that are going to impact the upcoming days of your life, affect the way you think through, or might as well define you as a person. Days when holding onto your values is a more conscious process than a passive background business. Yesterday was that sorta day. not normal, not special just conscious. Some days I want to ghost my friends. all of them even the old ones, the ones I've taken my time to trust, and my go-to people for every problem. All of them. Because I feel like I am too much to handle or maybe I have given too much of myself to them and now I need to stay away from them for at least a week to sorta neutralize t...

  I always looked down on people who self-harmed. I couldn't help it but then I realized that I self-harm too. The only difference is that what they do is physical and what I do is psychological and emotional. I do stupid things when I'm hurt. Real-time stupid shit with consequence, things I'll have to face and regret later, like aftershocks of an earthquake or more like knocking on doors that should be left untouched. Detaching and degrading myself into the abyss of darkness until I can't see anything at all. Until I'm so tired that I can't do anything but sleep. A disturbing and exhausting sleep. I self harm too, you see. And you know what, the next time you hate someone or something, know that you will face them soon, either through the mirror or through your eyes. Life always has a way of proving us wrong. It's embarrassing because it's so repetitive.

 There are days when asked: what life is, I'd say it's the moments between the bigger and the important moments. Ok, I'll explain. So it's when you stand by the kitchen door waiting for the rolls to be crispy brown. It's not you eating them with chili garlic sauce, it's you waiting for them to be fried. Makes sense? It's the day your niece starts reading Harry Potter from your copy of Philosopher's Stone. It's the lazier days when you eat the leftover papaya with Ammii, just when it's about to rain. It's listening to Anuv Jain while walking around the campus in December. It's not the destination, it's the rasta you see. Days, when you'd describe life referencing some couplets by Faiz and Faraz. But "Some days are just fillers" You know how we always rush to the rooftops on days when the sky is in pretty colors or when the weather is so good but I was thinking what about the days that are so mundane that they sort of take...