patronus

I know I have mild commitment and trust issues and honestly, I have always looked at them as my shield but today I realized that I cant survive in the vicinity of controlling people as well and believe me so many things started to make sense. My suffering relationship with some of my family members and a few friends despite the constant effort by the two of us. I realized it was because they were controlling. Unconsciously, they want me to be the way they want good people to be, their standards of what is right as if I sort of belong to them. I understand that when you are close to someone, they have the right to tell you what's right and what's wrong but they don't get to blame you if you decide not to take their advice or do things that look right to you only.  I was constantly looking for the fault in myself, trying to be more and more accepting of the differences I had with those people in an attempt to save those relationships and it was making things worse. You know ...

I don't want to be with you but I want you to be around like before. Everything comes down to you eventually. My mind, when wanders, always rests at the couch of your memories, your comfort. I know you're bad for me but then that one irrational part of me still wants you and I randomly asked one of my friends this and she said this is what being toxic is. and I do not know. I wish the part of you I hate, never existed or the part of me that wants you ceases to exist.

There are people and places that still remind me of you. I live between them so it's a little difficult to constantly push away a thought right? I sometimes let it fill me, not very often though, I have pretty nice self-control, you know my friend would call it denial Khair I sometimes let your memories fill me. It mostly happens when it's very quiet around me like no noise and no work to do. or when I start a new book and I have to concentrate to build that connection with the book and I keep getting distracted. I started a new book today. You're one of the many reasons I overwork. But a tiny reason because you're not important. It was quiet today. so quiet that I could hear the pigeons and then it came! one after another. marching like soldiers. I closed the book. I was too tired to resist today. "I don't regret you but sometimes I wish I had walked away at the start and left things at Hello"

 !دلِ منتظر میری بات سن یہ جو خواب ہیں عروج کے  یہ  بن زوال ،ہیں ادھورے  میری آنکھ کو، جو بھا گئے  وہ سب ملال سے ہیں بھرے  میرے وہم و گمان میں جو خوف ہیں  نئے نئے سے ہیں مگر  میرا سہارا ،ابھی ہے چھوٹا ابھی ضد نہ کر   !ِمنتظر دل میری بات سن  وہ جو ہے ابھی اسے تھام لے  کہ وہ ہمیشہ، سے ہے کھڑ ا  دلِ منتظر میری بات سن۔ ۔۔

It took me almost three months to finish this book today because of my hectic schedule or maybe because of my terrible time management. The happiness of finishing a book, closing the thick pile of pages, swollen with memories of days spent reading it and absorbing the black words on yellow paper will always be my happy place!                                                                                                                     " شوق کے وقت کو مصروفیت کی دھیمک لگ جائے تو زندگی بڑی بے رنگ ہو جاتی ہے " Just a gentle reminder to never give up on things you love because of busy schedules. It will be your place of comfort after days even months of negligence and it will always be worth it. ...

It's been almost two years since I turned off notifications of all my social media apps and my phone is always on silent mode. Let's not talk about the consequences of it: the sukoon it brings and how annoying it is for my family khair I was sitting with ammi today and there was a notification on her messenger. That specific ring of facebook's messenger brought back so many memories that I left whatever I was doing.  So I am skipping whatever there was to study on today's agenda and listening to strings while I write this.

It takes one person, only one person, a sentence, a few phrases of appreciation to make you believe in yourself again. And I know that most people will say that you yourself can be that one person for yourself but I disagree. Some supports have to be external to be validated. Try to be that person for somebody else.