patronus

For my non-biological sister! I know it feels like leaving a piece of yourself behind and even the shabbiest of walls make you sad because you have memories with it; memories of 14th August flaglets or of eid photoshoots. The bathroom has seen you the most vulnerable, has seen you cry. The sitting room has witnessed you enter the house with sparkling eyes and screaming words because of your successes over the course of the last 13 years spend at that place. I know it's scary and sad. It even makes you weak at places; in the stomach, and a little in the legs. at least that's where I feel my sadness. Just hang in there and know that our houses are a little more closer now and maybe we can see each other more often. and that it's a new beginning and it'll bring so so many more beautiful memories because that's what life is at the end of the day and eventually home is where your heart is right? and where 'your' people are. With the right people, you can make a h...

 Big day! right? I don't know if you thought of me today or not. Today, when you transformed into a stronger, more successful version of yourself. As you stood there on the land surrounded by beautiful green mountains and cold wind, was your heart as cold as mine? as firm as the mountains that overlooked that place? I have no idea about you or your state of mind. I'm sure about mine though. I'm cold and there is no warmth for you in here anymore.  I tried praying for your success today after Fajr but I couldn't. My heart was not with me when I prayed. It was a very hollow prayer so I stopped cause I felt bad. It's been a while that I've stopped thinking of you. I feel like my wounds have healed and the grief has subsided but 10.10.20 is something that deserves to be preserved here. It isn't for you. It's for 10.10.20. It's for my older version that waited for this day. It isn't for you. nope.

Of all the people in the world, I thought you'd be different but you see that's where I lost it. almost all of us get deceived by thinking about someone as a different person than the average human but eventually, this world is probably nothing but monotony, and even though everyone is striving to prove that they are different, at the end of the day they are not. we are all the same. we are all capable of hurting each other.

There are days when I feel like I've interacted with people more than I should and I feel like I've violated the limited social energy that I have. some days its because I've sent more emojis than I should. other days it's about talking to someone for hours and feeling tired for no reason even though I enjoyed it and felt good at that time. I am also a little scared of secluding myself like this from people and social life generally. but I don't know things have been pretty confusing for a while. It's been a maze. I've been lost. It's been a while.

The most stupid thing that we, as a generation do is that we tend to measure and judge people on the basis of their social media profiles, how active they are, and how thorough and loud their voice is. I met a few new people in the last couple of months with the dullest social media accounts that I've come across and the sharpest minds. Their gatherings are so lively. They are more real, more genuine.  They just left me in awe and I've been thinking about it a lot lately. what am I doing? where am I going? who am I following?  some people are so big, their hearts so wide and open and so full of light that your own self looks so small in front of them. They are flawless, at peace with the fact that don't want to be a part of the race. They don't even care about the race. They're so complete, so capable, enough for themselves. They don't need any materialistic or ostentatious supports to survive.