patronus

i visited my old house today. i think it was the only place i called home with all my heart but maybe that was because that's all i knew back then. i forced my tears back as i found the hole in the backyard wall, i had found a lizard's egg in there once and had been excited for an entire week,  i could still trace out the cracks on the footpath outside the gate because i cycled on it for years trying to keep the wheel on the line. the orange tree that baba planted is now almost 10ft tall and the other tree that our old gardner planted is now double the size.  the new residents are not taking care of the lawn very well, the lokaat tree is uprooted and there are no flowering plants. there is a small bench where we had our dhaniya and podina leaves  the sky was too pretty today and a strong wind blew as i entered the gate, almost like i was in the middle of a movie the neighbor's gate which was our makeshift swing is now gone but the flowers i used as veggies in pretend play...

22 years old m prayed her Friday zuhr namaz in a golf club with her jacket as the jayenamaz next to her shia friend and Maghreb in a university parking lot on a prayer mat borrowed from a male friend i am sure the 15-year-old confused m is proud of her for figuring out what religious tolerance is  and finally knowing that you don't always have to take sides.

damp roads after autumn rains and the memories of everything calm. the thought of getting older. the night i broke your heart. i don't regret it but i think of you every time my heart hurts. adat instrumental plays in the background rn. how do you feel about adult life?  -------------------------------- i am trying to wear eyeliner even on days when my eyebrows are not done and wear extra rings even when my hands are not waxed. its difficult, i haven't been able to convince myself but i am trying to love my body even on days when it doesn't really fulfill society's beauty standards. ----------------------------------------- when you have lived in more than one place, be it a sleepover at a friend's or someone's heart or an actual non-metaphorical house made of concrete walls, you will always long for more. sometimes it will be the people you love, other times it will be material things, the peace and the quiet. ---------------------------------------------------...