patronus

One of us moved a little closer to mama's dream today. 

Some of us have parents who come from dysfunctional and disloyal families. We inherit their traumas and pain along with their features. We fight our parents' battles. Some of us are really tired and exhausted. Some of us are still not protected from the darkness despite our parents' frequent attempts. It shades our sitting rooms and brings silence over the dining tables. Some of you are responsible for it and you won't be spared.  

I see people waste themselves, exploit themselves in the name of love, and for  being there for someone  and I wonder if there's something wrong with me or if I lack the perspective to look at things the way other people do. My sister called me 'cold-hearted' the other day. I wonder if I really have lost my warmth in the process of protecting myself?  

A سب کو عام رکھتی ہو کسی کو خاص نہیں کیا تم نے؟" تمھیں کیوں لگتا ہے کہ ہر شخص تم سے  جنگ لڑ رہا ہے؟ کیوں خود کو اتنا محفوظ اتنا اکیلا کر کہ بیٹھی  ہو؟ کس سے ڈرتی ہو؟ تمھیں لگتا ہے تم قلعے میں رہو گی  تو سب ٹھیک رہے گا؟ !ایسے نہیں  ہوتا میرے جان  یہ قانون نہیں  ہے اس دنیا کا  جو لکھا ہے وہ  ہوگا ، تم بچ نہی سکو گی. دل بھی ٹوٹے گا اور غرور بھی  ہم سب پر کوئی  نہ کوئی دسترس رکھتا ہے  "ہم سب کسی نہ کسی کے  ہاتھوں ٹوٹتے ہیں بیشک جتنا  بھی  خیال کر لیں  15.08.20 I.M

I look at the educational gap in my country, I suffer at trying to travel across this gap and I think about my teachers, the faculty who had the authority, the power, the capability to push us harder, to make us do better. to at least recommend us some books to make our brains better than the lazy goofs we are right now.  I think about all those hours of Islamic studies and Pakistan studies lectures which were nothing but cramped rote learning. They had the power to at least arrange a seminar weekly or maybe monthly. I look around and realize I can't even bridge the educational gap in my own country, how am I supposed to survive the international studies. How am I supposed to survive the self-esteem issues that would accompany all this? how all this will shatter my confidence, probably shade my abilities too.